Blogging For Kicks

-Photo courtesy of radionetherlands

Once again, people who can’t stand freedom and ideas other than their own have struck down someone to whom both those things are fundamental rights of life. Benezir Bhutto was shot down like a dog after giving a speech to followers in Pakistan, ending her chance of being elected to lead that country again and try to get it back on track.

Fingers are pointing in every direction, mostly at the current Bush-backed President Musharraf and Al Quaeda, but no one knows for sure who did this horrible thing, and we may never know. The coward who did the deed blew himself up when he was through, taking several innocent bystanders with him and sending many more to local hospitals with varying degrees of injury. With him he took the knowledge of who sent him and why, and unless the world is really lucky, it may be impossible to learn those things in any other way.

I pray for the soul of this beautiful, intelligent woman who only wanted to make the world a better place, and for the family and friends she left behind. I pray for calm, tolerance, and justice in the country she loved so much that she was willing to risk her own life for it. And I pray that God will revenge the death of this person so beloved by so many, as He is the one who knows who did this and why. God rest her soul, and give her peace.

So, Christmas is over, everyone’s gone, and I’m left alone to think. Dangerous proposition, no matter how you look at it. But, here I am, just the same, and no one to share those thoughts with but you…..so here goes.

Three of my six kids made it home for Christmas. .500 is good in baseball, but not in Momland. See, that still leaves three others I haven’t - and won’t - have with me at Christmas for at least another year, and that’s simply unbearable. I’ll fess up here, since it’s just you and me: when everyone left I sat here and cried like a baby at the thought of being alone again. Pathetic or what?

I finally figured out that I spent two-thirds of my life with my kids. Forty out of sixty years…..that’s longer than most of you have been alive, probably, and certainly longer than most careers last. It’s all I know at this point, and now it’s gone. I need the hustle and bustle of my kids around me or I’m simply a useless lump, sitting here blubbering like an idiot. I guess it’s called depression, really, and I could go get some pills for it, but to tell the truth, it wouldn’t help. Nothing will help except to have my kids here, and that’s not going to happen. They’ve grown up and gone their own ways, and that’s what I raised them to do, after all.

Man, I should have known better, you know? I mean, had I known it would be like this, I’d have tried to cripple them emotionally, keep them tied to my apron strings for fear they’d never be able to do anything right without me. I see older ladies with sons or daughters always at their sides, never marrying, never moving on with their lives, and while it used to make me sad to think how much those kids were missing, it now makes me envious of the mothers. They’ll never wish there were someone there to talk to, and they’ll never have to make dinner for one. God, that’s the saddest thing of all, making just enough for yourself. It’s like wasted effort, you know?

So, anyway, here I sit, feeling sorry for myself, wanting more than anything to have all my kids move back home with me so I can hear the echo of their voices ringing through the house instead of just the thumpa-thumpity-thump of my own heart beating. I keep the TV on day and night now, just so I can hear something else, voices saying inane things that matter not a whit to me, but at least it’s noise. The quiet is deadly, you know?

Before you start thinking I’m a suicide waiting to happen, let me assure you I’m far too chicken to do anything like that. Nope, I just sit here crying my eyes out, waiting to hear their footsteps on the doorstep or their voices on the phone, and wish I’d taken more “me” time over the years, gotten my own life instead of working so hard to make sure their’s were full and as happy as I could make them. But had I done that, where would they be now? Would they be able to live their own lives and be happy doing it? Would they have gone out on their own, found their own niche, and built their own happiness around it? Or would one or more of them be following me around like my puppy dog, never becoming the person they are capable of being because of being bound to me? All things considered, I’m glad of the way I raised them, and I’m very proud of the person each has become, where they are in their lives. I just wish I could see them a little more often. Is that too much to ask?

The Environmental Protection Agency on Wednesday denied California and 16 other states the right to set their own standards for carbon dioxide emissions from automobiles. The E.P.A. administrator, Stephen L. Johnson, said the proposed California rules were pre-empted by federal authority and made moot by the energy bill signed into law by President Bush on Wednesday. - The Washington Post

I heard about how the President actually signed a law that limits auto emissions, and after I came to and picked myself up off the floor, I considered writing about it in this space. Then I read the rest of the story, as partially quoted above I can’t believe I almost fell for his scam this time. Man, I’m really slipping!

So, he signs the bill, seemingly putting new limits on the emissions new cars can emit, but in doing so, it totally throws the stricter emissions standards of my state (California) and 15 others out the window. So now we’re taking a step backward in trying to get a handle on the air pollution that is causing a huge increase in childhood asthma and other lung problems, especially here in the San Juaquin Valley. It’s the old “give with one hand while taking away with the other” dodge, upgraded for the 21st century. I should have known.

I may have told you that I live between 10 and 15 miles from the Sierra Nevada mountains - Sequoia National Park and Forest, actually - and for many years now it’s almost impossible to tell they are there most of the time due to the air pollution that funnels down to us from the Bay Area, among other places. I’ve been writing in here off and on for several years, so it’s hard to remember just what I have and haven’t said, and I’m not inclined to go through and read everything to find out, but if I didn’t tell you before, I’m doing it now.

Actually, the foothills begin about a mile outside of town, and I grew up looking at Rocky Hill, the nearest one, every time I went outside. Believe it or not, there have been times in the last two or three years when I haven’t even been able to see it, let alone the mountains behind it. In case you’re not aware, Mt. Whitney, the tallest mountain in the Continental US, is one of the mountains that used to be visible unless clouds moved in and covered them. Now, rain or not, most of the summer and a good part of the rest of the year you wouldn’t even know the mountains are there if you weren’t from around here. Yes, the pollution is so bad it completely obscures some of the tallest mountains in the country from no more than 10 miles away. It makes me sick!

These mountains are beautiful, whatever the season, and not being able to see them takes away from our enjoyment of living here. In the winter, they are covered in snow, with one mountain whose crevices work with the snow to show an elephant shape, and part of them look like a saw’s teeth, from whence they get their name. Another is called Homer’s Nose, because it looks for all the world like a man’s forehead and big, Roman nose as he lies on his back, taking a nap. Some days, after a good rain has cleaned the air, it seems you can see every rock and tree on them. Those are the days I love best, the ones I remember from my childhood. I love those mountains, and not being able to see them for weeks on end causes more pain than you can imagine.

Our state has led the country in emissions control, with the strictest rules on the books, but now Bush has wiped those away with a stroke of his pen, and any hope we had of reversing the crime against nature that’s taken place over the last 100 years or so seems to be slipping away. I remember standing up on those mountains, at a turnout that looks back across the valley, and seeing the coastal range as clear as day. My grandmother said when she was a girl, she stood at that same turnout and could see the sunlight glinting off the Pacific Ocean beyond those hills. I marveled at that, while she mourned the loss. Now, standing at that turnout, I can’t even see beyond the mountains themselves. No valley, no coastal range, and no glinting ocean to be seen, just a thick, gray mass of what looks like clouds but is really the smog obsuring our view. I have to wonder what my grandkids will see when they stand there.

I should have known having Bush do something truly good for us was impossible, but I actually fell for it, and as I said, I had planned to write a nice “Thank You” to him and actually say something nice about him for a change. Now, tho, it’s not going to happen. Now I see that he wasn’t thinking about us and those who come after us at all, he was still thinking about his rich buddies, this time in the auto industry, giving them yet another break and saving them even more money to line their pockets with. I can’t believe I swallowed the whole thing! It will never happen again, I can promise you that.

I heard a song on the radio yesterday that so completely matched what I’ve been feeling that I swear I could have written it. It was called something like “Where is Christmas”, and it talks about how everything has changed and the singer just can’t find her Christmas Spirit. It hit so close to home I actually started crying, and then felt like a total fool about it.

Christmas and I haven’t gotten along very well for many years now, but once the day was around the corner, I always began to feel it. This year, however, there’s nothing, only an empty feeling and huge sadness at the fact I’ve simply lived too long at this point. I never thought that could happen, but it did. I’ve outlived my usefulness and most all of the people I’ve loved over the years. It’s not a great feeling, you know?

I remember Christmas as a child, spent with one set of grandparents or the other, and the huge gaggle of relatives that always went with it. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins by the dozens…..you couldn’t get up and walk without tripping over someone, it was so crowded at these gatherings. It was one of the times when you got to see the people you loved, find out how they were doing and what was new in their lives. The noise, the games, the smell of the food cooking, the hugs and kisses, sneaking fudge when the adults weren’t looking….those are the Christmases I remember and long for.

Then, later, when I had my own family, there was the cooking, making sure everything was perfect and I had everyone’s favorites; the days of shopping for just the right gifts for each one, trying to remember sizes and wishes and what each had asked Santa for on our yearly trips to see him on his throne at the mall; picking out just the right tree and putting the decorations on over hot chocolate and gingerbread men. And of course, Christmas morning, when the house was full of laughter, shouts of “Oh, my gosh, I got exactly what I wanted!”, and “Mom, can we go outside and play with this”…whatever that was. And of course, shredded wrapping paper all over the floor that had to be picked up and shoved into the overflowing trash can. I remember wishing there was less work to do, more time to just sit and enjoy my children’s happiness, but now that I have all the time in the world and no children left to watch, I really miss it.

My last child left home a couple months ago, moving clear across the country. As maudlin as it sounds, I am finding it hard to even care that Christmas is a week away. I have nothing to prepare for, nothing to worry about getting done in time, and no money to do anything with, anyway. I’ve had Christmases when there wasn’t enough to do all the things I wanted for my kids, and those hurt a lot, but this……this is simply torture. Maybe if I were still married, had a husband at home that I finally had all the time in the world to devote to, it might not be so bad. But I have no one, and wandering around my empty house is the worst punishment I can think of. I’m not sure what I did to deserve it, but here I am, and I hate it. Christmas? Bah! Humbug!

So yes, I’m officially a Scrooge this year, unhappy with my life and hating this upcoming Holiday that I’ve loved for so long. It’s like a husband you’ve loved and cherished, worked hard to support and nurture for years on end, and then one day he just up and walks out, takes off to the Bahamas with some young, nubile, empty-headed trollop, and you’re left wondering what to do with the rest of your life…..or even if you want any more life to have to wonder about. Christmas is a fickle spouse, here in the good times but disappearing at the first sign of trouble, leaving you to deal with it alone.

So, I sit here without even the urge to hang the lights or find a tree, let alone decorate it, and wish I could quietly slip into one of my happy memories of Christmas Past, staying there for as long as God keeps me breathing. I wonder if I could figure a way to be a child at my grandparent’s house and yet have my own kids there with me? Now, that would be the perfect Christmas. They say anything’s possible when you dream, so maybe that’s what I’ll try to do. I wonder how long I can sleep?

Yep, it’s me. Sorry for being away so long, but life happens, you know? Anyway, I’m back, and hopefully I’ll have something to say that you’ll find interesting…..or not.

I find there’s not much to say about Bush and Co these days. It’s not a lot of fun heaving bricks at a pathetic fool that’s managed to shoot his own feet off every time he opened his mouth. Kinda makes you feel like you’re picking on the handicapped, don’t it? Ok, I know, he deserves it, but it’s just not the same. Considering we don’t have that much longer to do it, tho, I figure maybe I’d better get my licks in while I still can. Heck, what’s the harm in kicking a genuine A-hole when he’s down?

So, does anyone else find it hard to believe that the Teflon coating this guy’s had around him for so long is beginning to peel off? Is it just because Karl Rove left, you think? Does he honestly have no one else who can spin his lies until they smell like roses instead of horse manure? I don’t know what his problem is, but the Emperor sure seems to have lost all semblance of having clothes on lately.

I guess it’s true that if you just persevere in chopping at a hunk of granite, you’ll finally manage to chip it away until it’s little more than a pebble after all. I just wish it hadn’t taken so doggone long! Can you imagine how much better off we’d be now had we just been able to knock the Kool-Aid out of the hands of all those sheeple before they drank it and voted him in for four more years? It kind of leaves a bitter taste in your mouth to think about it, but let’s just hope that next time people will really stop and think before they fall for a load of bullsh*t wrapped up in ribbons and bows again. I don’t know…….

One thing I do know is that any of the Democrat candidates running now would be so much better than what we’ve had for the last eight years that it’s not funny. I know that some of the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from him now, but it leaves me wondering where the heck they were all this time? They were all kissing up to King Georgie, backing him to the hilt in everything he did, so their protestations mean nothing now. My one piece of advice now is to go out and vote Democrat in both the primaries and the general election. I don’t much care which one gets the nod, I’m going to be working my backside off to get them in office, and I hope each and everyone of you does the same.