What HAS happened to Christmas?
I heard a song on the radio yesterday that so completely matched what I’ve been feeling that I swear I could have written it. It was called something like “Where is Christmas”, and it talks about how everything has changed and the singer just can’t find her Christmas Spirit. It hit so close to home I actually started crying, and then felt like a total fool about it.
Christmas and I haven’t gotten along very well for many years now, but once the day was around the corner, I always began to feel it. This year, however, there’s nothing, only an empty feeling and huge sadness at the fact I’ve simply lived too long at this point. I never thought that could happen, but it did. I’ve outlived my usefulness and most all of the people I’ve loved over the years. It’s not a great feeling, you know?
I remember Christmas as a child, spent with one set of grandparents or the other, and the huge gaggle of relatives that always went with it. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins by the dozens…..you couldn’t get up and walk without tripping over someone, it was so crowded at these gatherings. It was one of the times when you got to see the people you loved, find out how they were doing and what was new in their lives. The noise, the games, the smell of the food cooking, the hugs and kisses, sneaking fudge when the adults weren’t looking….those are the Christmases I remember and long for.
Then, later, when I had my own family, there was the cooking, making sure everything was perfect and I had everyone’s favorites; the days of shopping for just the right gifts for each one, trying to remember sizes and wishes and what each had asked Santa for on our yearly trips to see him on his throne at the mall; picking out just the right tree and putting the decorations on over hot chocolate and gingerbread men. And of course, Christmas morning, when the house was full of laughter, shouts of “Oh, my gosh, I got exactly what I wanted!”, and “Mom, can we go outside and play with this”…whatever that was. And of course, shredded wrapping paper all over the floor that had to be picked up and shoved into the overflowing trash can. I remember wishing there was less work to do, more time to just sit and enjoy my children’s happiness, but now that I have all the time in the world and no children left to watch, I really miss it.
My last child left home a couple months ago, moving clear across the country. As maudlin as it sounds, I am finding it hard to even care that Christmas is a week away. I have nothing to prepare for, nothing to worry about getting done in time, and no money to do anything with, anyway. I’ve had Christmases when there wasn’t enough to do all the things I wanted for my kids, and those hurt a lot, but this……this is simply torture. Maybe if I were still married, had a husband at home that I finally had all the time in the world to devote to, it might not be so bad. But I have no one, and wandering around my empty house is the worst punishment I can think of. I’m not sure what I did to deserve it, but here I am, and I hate it. Christmas? Bah! Humbug!
So yes, I’m officially a Scrooge this year, unhappy with my life and hating this upcoming Holiday that I’ve loved for so long. It’s like a husband you’ve loved and cherished, worked hard to support and nurture for years on end, and then one day he just up and walks out, takes off to the Bahamas with some young, nubile, empty-headed trollop, and you’re left wondering what to do with the rest of your life…..or even if you want any more life to have to wonder about. Christmas is a fickle spouse, here in the good times but disappearing at the first sign of trouble, leaving you to deal with it alone.
So, I sit here without even the urge to hang the lights or find a tree, let alone decorate it, and wish I could quietly slip into one of my happy memories of Christmas Past, staying there for as long as God keeps me breathing. I wonder if I could figure a way to be a child at my grandparent’s house and yet have my own kids there with me? Now, that would be the perfect Christmas. They say anything’s possible when you dream, so maybe that’s what I’ll try to do. I wonder how long I can sleep?
